Re: http://news.cnet.com/8301-13578_3-20023941-38.html
Dear Republican Representative:
Just because a group of people recognizes a mistake the government made, legally attained evidence of said mistake, and made said evidence available for public viewing DOES NOT make them terrorists.
I think one of the most ignorant things Bush's administration was responsible for was turning "terrorist" into a watered-down, generic term with no decipherable meaning. It's good to know that your all-time best president is still living on through your dumb-ass legislation.
Stay classy.
Cordially
Monday, November 29, 2010
tetrisfriends.com
Dear tetrisfriends.com:
People generally consider Mondays to be giant tanker trucks filled with douche; generally, I argue that Mondays are never especially terrible.
Thanks to the Universe, I got here today - Monday - 3 and a half hours early with nothing to do; thanks to YOU, I now have something to do, but it's making me want to go on a rampage.
Please get out of my life and shut up.
Cordially
People generally consider Mondays to be giant tanker trucks filled with douche; generally, I argue that Mondays are never especially terrible.
Thanks to the Universe, I got here today - Monday - 3 and a half hours early with nothing to do; thanks to YOU, I now have something to do, but it's making me want to go on a rampage.
Please get out of my life and shut up.
Cordially
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Boise
Dear Boise.
You and I aren't friends anymore. I overlooked the fact that nothing about your team seems to mesh with the traditional idea of a "power football school"; I overlooked the fact that my brain wanted to cheer against you every time you stepped foot on your blue field; I even overlooked the fact that you play in the WAC.
I gave you a chance - I even adamantly cheered against an SEC team yesterday - and you blew it all.
Goodbye, Boise. Nay: Good Riddance.
Cordially.
You and I aren't friends anymore. I overlooked the fact that nothing about your team seems to mesh with the traditional idea of a "power football school"; I overlooked the fact that my brain wanted to cheer against you every time you stepped foot on your blue field; I even overlooked the fact that you play in the WAC.
I gave you a chance - I even adamantly cheered against an SEC team yesterday - and you blew it all.
Goodbye, Boise. Nay: Good Riddance.
Cordially.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Hyper-Capitalism
Dear Hyper-Capitalism:
If there were ever someone more elegant and better-spoken than myself who could verbalize all the reasons I hate you, it would most definitely be this guy:
Happy Giftmas.
Cordially.
If there were ever someone more elegant and better-spoken than myself who could verbalize all the reasons I hate you, it would most definitely be this guy:
Happy Giftmas.
Cordially.
America
Dear America.
If you elect this baffoon to run our country in 2012, I will sever all ties with you. Of course, you have 300 million other, better versions of me so it won't be a great loss, but frankly: I can't imagine hating you more than I would if SHE becomes our president.
Cordially.
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/sarah-palin-north-korea-gaffe-glenn-beck-show/story?id=12242889
If you elect this baffoon to run our country in 2012, I will sever all ties with you. Of course, you have 300 million other, better versions of me so it won't be a great loss, but frankly: I can't imagine hating you more than I would if SHE becomes our president.
Cordially.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Math 1260 STUDENT Whose Name I Shan't Mention
Dear Math 1260 STUDENT whose name I shan't mention:
Exam question (2e) involved the integral of a product. You had no clue how to do it, but the answer you DID give made me chuckle:
Cordially.
Exam question (2e) involved the integral of a product. You had no clue how to do it, but the answer you DID give made me chuckle:
Some fancy answer after using long division, which I do not know how to do. Being sick the entire first week of Integrals sucks.(a) Yes it does. (b)No division = no long division. (c)+1 point for being awesome.
Cordially.
Math 1260 Students
Dear Math 1260 Students:
This is why I love you:
Happy Thanksgiving, Math 1260.
Cordially.
This is why I love you:
Chris, That soviet bitch really fucked us all over on that test..... Happy Thanksgiving. -TomThat "soviet bitch" is the Math 1260 coordinator; "that test" is the test my class had last night - the Monday before Thanksgiving - at 7:30pm. And Tom? Tom is my very vocal, very straightforward calculus student.
Happy Thanksgiving, Math 1260.
Cordially.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Math 1260 Instructor Whose Name Shan't Be Mentioned
Dear Math 1260 Instructor Whose Name Shan't Be Mentioned:
We know you're better than all of us. We know your teaching methodology is better: Even though your exam average is 12 points lower, your students are learning more and it's all because YOU'RE awesome. Feel free to stop telling us whenever: From what I hear, the Douchebag Department of Douchebags is printing out a memo to circulate to all of B.G.
Stay classy.
Cordially.
We know you're better than all of us. We know your teaching methodology is better: Even though your exam average is 12 points lower, your students are learning more and it's all because YOU'RE awesome. Feel free to stop telling us whenever: From what I hear, the Douchebag Department of Douchebags is printing out a memo to circulate to all of B.G.
Stay classy.
Cordially.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Saturday
Dear Saturday.
You and I are from different crowds. You're good-looking, fun, and generally speaking, people like it when you're around. Now I'll be the first to admit that none of those characteristics apply to me, but even so, I think you should know that today - just this once - you suck.
So much, in fact, that I would even trade you for a Monday.
Therefore, I would like to propose that you either (a)get with the freakin' program or (b)get out of my life altogether. The choice is yours.
Cordially.
You and I are from different crowds. You're good-looking, fun, and generally speaking, people like it when you're around. Now I'll be the first to admit that none of those characteristics apply to me, but even so, I think you should know that today - just this once - you suck.
So much, in fact, that I would even trade you for a Monday.
Therefore, I would like to propose that you either (a)get with the freakin' program or (b)get out of my life altogether. The choice is yours.
Cordially.
Friday, November 19, 2010
"Logical Theologian"
Dear "Logical Theologian":
"God exists because He can't not exist" does not constitute a solid, objective logical proof. I know this because I often try to use such arguments on exams (ask Carothers, et. al) and guys with "Dr." in front of their names tell me to shut the hell up.
Hence, the result. Oh wait.
Cordially
"God exists because He can't not exist" does not constitute a solid, objective logical proof. I know this because I often try to use such arguments on exams (ask Carothers, et. al) and guys with "Dr." in front of their names tell me to shut the hell up.
Hence, the result. Oh wait.
Cordially
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Math 5410
Dear Math 5410.
You are a joke - a COMPLETE waste of my time - and as such, the exam you're posing in 4 hours time requires precisely zero hours of study be put in. But the Universe is funny, and as soon as I decide NOT to study, karma is going to dropkick me in my larynx; hence, I woke up at a warm, sunshiney 3am and have been studying ever since.
I do not like you, sir. Not at all.
Cordially.
You are a joke - a COMPLETE waste of my time - and as such, the exam you're posing in 4 hours time requires precisely zero hours of study be put in. But the Universe is funny, and as soon as I decide NOT to study, karma is going to dropkick me in my larynx; hence, I woke up at a warm, sunshiney 3am and have been studying ever since.
I do not like you, sir. Not at all.
Cordially.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Math 1260 Instructor Whose Name I Still Shan't Mention
Dear Math 1260 instructor whose name I still shan't mention:
While tutoring the student who's currently here, you've said some variant of "intuition" thirty-one times in 28 minutes. Saying "our intuition" to a student who has no clue what you're doing DOES NOT make your convoluted explanation intuitive.
Also: I have a hard time believing your claim that "no one in America is in extreme poverty."
Cordially.
PS: I love how you slip little digs against Socialism into every one of your conversations since you eavesdropped long enough to find out my political affiliation. It makes me chuckle.
**cough cough** YOU'RE A DOUCHE **cough cough**
While tutoring the student who's currently here, you've said some variant of "intuition" thirty-one times in 28 minutes. Saying "our intuition" to a student who has no clue what you're doing DOES NOT make your convoluted explanation intuitive.
Also: I have a hard time believing your claim that "no one in America is in extreme poverty."
Cordially.
PS: I love how you slip little digs against Socialism into every one of your conversations since you eavesdropped long enough to find out my political affiliation. It makes me chuckle.
**cough cough** YOU'RE A DOUCHE **cough cough**
Math 1260 Instructor Whose Name I Shan't Mention
Dear Math 1260 instructor whose name I shan't mention:
Teaching your students material that isn't on the exam is a douchebag move. Introducing purely theoretical results in a class with no theoretical foundation is a douchebag move. Making things far more difficult than they ought to be just to flex nuts and feel superior is a douchebag move.
Thanks for making "douchebag Wednesday" a tad bit douchier.
Cordially.
Teaching your students material that isn't on the exam is a douchebag move. Introducing purely theoretical results in a class with no theoretical foundation is a douchebag move. Making things far more difficult than they ought to be just to flex nuts and feel superior is a douchebag move.
Thanks for making "douchebag Wednesday" a tad bit douchier.
Cordially.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
John McCain
Dear John McCain:
http://beacon-for-change.blogspot.com/2010/11/america-or-fascism-carrying-cross.html
Enjoy. :)
http://beacon-for-change.blogspot.com/2010/11/america-or-fascism-carrying-cross.html
Enjoy. :)
Life
Dear Life.
Hi. Remember me? I'm the guy who once had a role in deciding what was going to happen. Now, all of the sudden, you're on some weird, chaotic fucking rampage that's vomiting shit into everything I do.
Thanks to you, my grades are in far more serious jeopardy than before AND I've been drinking nonstop since last Wednesday. At the behest of my liver, I'm kindly asking you to chill the fuck out.
Cordially.
Hi. Remember me? I'm the guy who once had a role in deciding what was going to happen. Now, all of the sudden, you're on some weird, chaotic fucking rampage that's vomiting shit into everything I do.
Thanks to you, my grades are in far more serious jeopardy than before AND I've been drinking nonstop since last Wednesday. At the behest of my liver, I'm kindly asking you to chill the fuck out.
Cordially.
"Caucasian"
Dear "Caucasian".
I don't like calling you "Caucasian" - something about your Russian Whiteness gets lost in that rhetoric. Nevertheless, I had another rough day and you're here to keep me company; that makes you A+ in my book.
Grad school, meet alcoholism. Alcoholism, Grad school.
You guys are becoming opposite facades of the same perpetual displeasure.
Cordially.
I don't like calling you "Caucasian" - something about your Russian Whiteness gets lost in that rhetoric. Nevertheless, I had another rough day and you're here to keep me company; that makes you A+ in my book.
Grad school, meet alcoholism. Alcoholism, Grad school.
You guys are becoming opposite facades of the same perpetual displeasure.
Cordially.
Math 1260 Students
Dear Math 1260 students:
I'm writing your next assignment and I'm going to tell you now: You're going to hate me. I know that you hate me a lot already because - well frankly - I bust your asses constantly. But life is hard *and* math is hard, so don't expect a change any time soon.
The good news is that you're out-performing most of your peers on exams. I consider that a victory even if you don't.
Cordially.
I'm writing your next assignment and I'm going to tell you now: You're going to hate me. I know that you hate me a lot already because - well frankly - I bust your asses constantly. But life is hard *and* math is hard, so don't expect a change any time soon.
The good news is that you're out-performing most of your peers on exams. I consider that a victory even if you don't.
Cordially.
Carothers
Dear Carothers:
Right now, I look like a 23 year old version of you; I'm about 200% sure that I'll be your twin by the time I'm your age. Whether you know this or not, I'm totally okay growing into you...that is, assuming you don't make me hate my life during the exam you're giving me 9 minutes from now.
So don't miss out on a future doppelganger.
Don't miss out, broseph.
Cordially.
Right now, I look like a 23 year old version of you; I'm about 200% sure that I'll be your twin by the time I'm your age. Whether you know this or not, I'm totally okay growing into you...that is, assuming you don't make me hate my life during the exam you're giving me 9 minutes from now.
So don't miss out on a future doppelganger.
Don't miss out, broseph.
Cordially.
Lipschitz
Dear Lipschitz:
I realize that your particular breed of function is one of great importance and I'm **really** happy that your "condition" benefited both you in your lifetime as well as mathematics as a whole afterward. At the same time, I'm trying to study for my Analysis exam and right now, you're pissing me off.
So if you could lend yourself to the theory in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and just erase yourself from history until tomorrow, at 7:30pm, I would be very appreciative. And I'm sure I speak for my Math 665 class when I say that.
Cordially.
I realize that your particular breed of function is one of great importance and I'm **really** happy that your "condition" benefited both you in your lifetime as well as mathematics as a whole afterward. At the same time, I'm trying to study for my Analysis exam and right now, you're pissing me off.
So if you could lend yourself to the theory in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and just erase yourself from history until tomorrow, at 7:30pm, I would be very appreciative. And I'm sure I speak for my Math 665 class when I say that.
Cordially.
Algebra
Dear Algebra.
Every time I start to like you, you remind me that I don't understand your subtle complexities and it saddens me deeply. I think you're testing my will and it hurts; but I guess we always hurt the ones we love, yes?
Perhaps you and I will have a talk. When we're back on speaking terms, at least.
Cordially.
Every time I start to like you, you remind me that I don't understand your subtle complexities and it saddens me deeply. I think you're testing my will and it hurts; but I guess we always hurt the ones we love, yes?
Perhaps you and I will have a talk. When we're back on speaking terms, at least.
Cordially.
Ungraded Exams
Dear ungraded exams that students want handed back tomorrow: Please get out of my life and shut up.
Cordially,
The guy who's about to bleed red ink all over you
Cordially,
The guy who's about to bleed red ink all over you
Trendy Facebook Commenter
Dear trendy Facebook commenter:
Typing "abt" as an abbreviation for "about" may shave 1 millisecond off of your sentiment, but it also infuses you with about 13,000 gallons of liquefied douchery. Sadly, the entire world now knows where your preferences lie with regard to that exchange.
Stay classy.
Typing "abt" as an abbreviation for "about" may shave 1 millisecond off of your sentiment, but it also infuses you with about 13,000 gallons of liquefied douchery. Sadly, the entire world now knows where your preferences lie with regard to that exchange.
Stay classy.
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